Current location:	Rez. Room
Current mood:	rejuvenated
Current music:	Smells like Teen Spirit (Cover) - Tori Amos

Smells like teen spirit....
I really don't know what to write about... but i feel so badly like I need to write. I'm really tossed in the air.... I don't know where I stand on anything. I feel stronger than ever and weaker than ever at the same time. It's like I've been able to build a wall around myself; a suit of armor that protects my mind and my emotions. It's not perfect though... and when it cracks the emotions gush outwards. I feel so stupid writing about this... the reasonable part of me that makes up the wall tells me that emotions, feeling like this and writing them out is nothing to be ashamed of, and that the greatest people in the world were often emotionally driven. Another side, however makes me feel like talking like this will make me a sissy. Dammit, I'm so afraid of being a sissy or a queer....so much so to the point that I feel like I am. God I feel the weight of everything on my shoulders.... there's so many expectations of me... from myself, my family, my friends ... I feel like I'm being crushed slowly... which is why I need to build my inner strength up.... if I'm strong I can do this. I don't know what strength is though! I used to believe that strength  was an inward characteristic that is set apart from toughness and composure. I used to feel that strength was being able to feel what you need to in a situation, while in others being able to do what you need to. I'm good at handling emergencies.... it's something that I used to feel made me strong. I realized though, that I can only stay calm during emergencies... and never  actually do something about them. God, how many times have I felt less human because of my calm. There are times when I wish I could just throw all my emotions outward, and have a complete emotional relief. All I ever do though is stay calm, and stay calm, until I break and cry. I think I'm happy sometimes. I'm not sure. I don't know what happiness is. I don't think many people I know do. That's another thing, I used to feel like that because I can see something, acknowledge it for it's importance, admit that I don't know anything about it, yet still feel it, or believe it was a sign of my strength and intelligence. I'm not sure if that's the case. For example, I believe in God. However, I understand there is no proof of God's existance. I also know that there is no proof of many of my other beliefs, and that they may very well be wrong... but to me it is only natural that humans need to be able to acknowledge a higher being. We are sentient enough to realize we exist, and after that insight, we need to know why we exist. Humans aren't smart  enough, none of us, to know why we exist, or to know why it is we need to have this question answered. One could say we exist merely for that, but that would be just as good a guess as that we exist to eat grapes on Sundays. This is why I know society needs religion, and always has needed it. I mean, it is believed that Christians, Jews, and Muslims came to believe in what they do because they were told by God to. Why then, were there religions that existed long before these? I'm not disputing their credit, I'm merely trying to show that whether or not a religion is found to be right afterward, or rather, thought to be right, it is needed by people. For whatever reason, we humans need the question of why answered so badly, that we can revolved our entire lives around it. The truth is that there may never be an answer to why, and humans may all die off without every having come even close to knowing the mysteries of life, or, it may have been right in front of them the whole time. Does that make religion bad though? Whether you believe in an answer, or you believe there is no answer, people still need to be able to believe in something. If they know it's correct or not,  that doesn't matter. The Romans needed Zeus just as badly as the Catholic's need God. No one knows what religion is right, and in a sense no religion is perfectly right. To God though, however you may choose to see him / her / it / whatever , I believe it doesn't matter what religion someone believes in. If there was really one perfect religion, then  it would be evident,. it would make those who believed in it completely immune to the pangs of humanity. And you know what, maybe that is why no clear religion has ever been given; maybe humans need to feel these pangs to truly be human. My own personal view, regardless of factuality or not, is basic. I know in a previous entry I talked about Jesus and Adam, and all sorts of things, but those are ideas I float around. The religion I have made for myself, to deal with the never ceasing want for explaination, or at least comfort, is plainly that God, whatever God is, is pure love, goodness and peace, and that what God wants from us is not physical, not tangable; all God wants is for humans to live in love, goodness and peace. To be good people, to not hate, to not give into evil, and to not bring destruction. Other than that, I don't feel like those who believe that only people who worship God the right way will find peace are right. No one can find peace until they find it in themselves first. There is no religion that gives its followers perfect peace, as there is no perfect peace in the world. I've been rambling a lot, and I know I got off track. Basically, I believe in God, but I believe that God created humans with imperfect knowledge, and because of that probably saved us from a lot more woes, but also from many answers that people often seek.... Be Buddhist, be Muslim, be Christian, be Rastifarian.  As long as what you believe in is good, and you yourself try to be good, then it doesn't matter. Choose something that makes you happiest. If you believe in all of it, that's amazing, even if it isn't the "right" religion, it is the right one for you. If you find one that you don't believe in all of it, but it makes you happy, and makes you feel complete, then go for it; no religion is perfect, and if it can make you happy and peaceful then it's doing its job.  God does exist; different people need different ways to feel this though, to believe this and to experience God's greatest gifts, love, compassion and peace. God created you, and gave you life. God wants you to enjoy your life, to make the most of it and to be the best you can be. Why would God want people to agonize over the right way to pray to him/her/it/whatever? There are so many different religions because different people find it easier to worship God different ways. There is no perfect religion. If there was, why would God hid it from people so well that anxiety and unhappiness grip so many people? People need to accept that there may not be one right religion.  That doesn't make religion less important to humanity, nor does it make it less beneficial to the people in that religion, it just means that in a sense they are all right. It is just a matter of finding the religion that is right for you. If people could truly believe this... then there would be no wars between different religions, and good people would be able to live their lives free from persecution and prejudice, and hopefully more loving, happy and peaceful than when people delude themselves with notions of right and wrong. This is what I believe.... and sometimes it makes perfect sense to me, and at others it just seems like a nice dream. Regardless though, of whether or not I am right, it makes me happy.... it gets me through the day, and it saves me from some of the pangs of life. I love God, whatever God may be. All I know is that God is an eternal well of love, happiness and bliss.... and knowing I am created from this... and knowing that God is watching over me, and those I love, makes me feel like everything will be o.k..

Haha... I've strayed quite a bit from my original point.... but I was right. I did need to write, and it's made me feel a lot more grounded. Thank you for your patience in reading this... it must have been difficult at some parts. I feel really nice now.... really serene and peaceful. It's a nice feeling... one that you could live with for the rest of your life, and be happy and good, while not feeling blindly so. Ah well, it's late and I should be getting ready for bed. Good night all, take care, dress well, and eat fruits regularly.

                                                                                                                                                                               ---Mike